I woke up today and started reading my online newsfeed. The top news story? Actor Corey Haim died of a drug overdose. As a child who grew up in the early 80’s I definitely enjoyed Haim’s films–Lucas remains one of my favorites. I’m saddened by his death. The fact that someone who experienced such success early-on ultimately died in an attempt (through drugs) to take the pain away frustrates me.
He’s not the only one. In recent weeks the suicides of actor Andrew Koenig (known for his popular character “Boner” on the TV show Growing Pains), Michael Blosil (son of singer & tv personality Marie Osmond), and singer/songwriter Mark Linkous have dominated headlines.
On a more personal note, I finished presenting a workshop dealing with tragedies in our schools last week at the California Association of Directors of Activities only to have my co-presenter return to her school (where I did my student teaching) and learn about a student suicide. My facebook newsfeed began to contain multiple status updates from students and teachers at that school as they try to cope with another unfortunate loss.
This permanent act is not a solution to our problems. We need to actively work to change the way we deal with challenges, setbacks, disappointments, rejections, and depression. I’m not a psychologist, and I’m not claiming expertise here, but I do think the following can help in times when you or your friends struggle.
REM Song #4: Everybody Hurts
On their 1992 album Automatic for the People, REM released the song Everybody Hurts. The band made the lyrics direct, purposefully aiming the message of the song to high school students. I think the first major problem with depression is that we don’t believe those lyrics, and therefore we don’t talk about it. We keep things bottled up. We think we’re all alone. We forget that “everybody hurts.” Most Americans will face some form of minor or major depression in their lifetime. I’m a professional “motivational” speaker, and yet I’ll definitely admit that therw have been times in my life where I’ve been depressed. This isn’t abnormal in any way. Unfortunately, far too many people believe that it is and increasingly isolate themselves during these times. In truth, we need to do the opposite to get ourselves out of it.
There are several things that we can do:
1. Talk about it
I have several family members and friends that I can call up at any time of day. They provide me great perspective and input. They validate who I am or sometimes call me on my crap. It’s nice to have that kick in the butt or that necessary hug. Sometimes the best things we can do is vocalize that emotion. I’d much rather expression frustration or sadness in a conversation with a trusted friend than try to drown in out with some form of alcohol or drug. It’s a matter of healing. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to a family member or friend, utilize one of the amazing anonymous 800 numbers available for you. If the depression is more serious, consider looking into meeting regular with a counselor. Again, many people have done it and it can be quite healthy. There are trained professionals who can provide you far better advice than anything I’ve listed below. If you’re at a college or university, it may be possible to get the first few sessions absolutely free.
Special note: I don’t believe talking about these things via a facebook status update is the best method. We truly need personal contact. If you can, meet up in person–it’s better.
2. Allot Time for Emotion
Tuesdays with Morrie remains one of my favorite books. The book explores the relationship between a dying professor and one of his former students as they explore major questions of life. I read it just after graduating from high school. One piece definitely stood out for me. Morrie, faced with a realization that his physical abilities are slowly shutting down and that he is indeed dying, allows himself a few moments each morning to intensely experience the emotions of sadness, anger, frustration, and confusion. Then, he says to himself that he has a day to live. With certain life events, this might be the best strategy. Give yourself 10 minutes and allow those emotions to sink in, but then make steps to experience more positive at least for the rest of that day.
3. Exercise
I’m a huge advocate of exercising during times of depression. Several years ago, when faced with some sadness after getting dumped by the girl I was dating, exercising was the major thing that brought me out of that emotional slump. There are so many scientific studies that demonstrate a correlation between physical activity and increased happiness. At times lifting weights or going on a hard run can help reduce some of that frustration. If nothing else, it can really mean doing something positive for yourself. You’ll likely feel better about yourself as you get improved physical results. Make it even better and join up with a friend during this time. That added contact with another person is great.
4. Serve
Studies have also shown a correlation between volunteer service and an improved mental state. Helping others makes us feel significant and provides a sense of purpose. Find a group, organization, or cause and assist there. You may also make some new friends in the process which just makes life that much better.
5. Begin and End with Gratitude
If you wake up each day and think about what is missing in your life, you’ll approach your day feeling empty or lacking. Instead, if you begin your day thinking about what you are thankful for in your life, it places you in a place to appreciate the things around you. I started doing this last fall and when I’m consistent about thinking this way, my days are truly wonderful.
6. Design your own Motivational Soundtrack
I have certain songs I listen to when I need that perspective or drive. Swim by Jack’s Mannequin is my latest addition to the playlist. For me, I like songs that acknowledge some of the struggle, but ultimately have a place of home. I try to stay away from the sadder songs that remain empty (unless I’m listening to them in my allotted emotion time).
7. Remember the Doppler Effect
If you’ve seen me speak, you might have heard me describe the Doppler Effect in relationship to sirens. Basically it has to do with our perception of soundwaves as object moves towards us or away from us. I like to say that our lives tend to be in that front end of the path where it siren appears to increase in frequency and pitch, where everything is intense. It is important for us to remember that “this too shall pass.” When we have the chance to look back on things, they always appear differently. I was definitely in a state of depression a few years ago following that breakup, but I look back now and I see the whole thing differently. I see the relationship for what it was and I completely recognize that she wasn’t right for me–I’m actually thankful she ended the relationship. I look at my self-pity at the time as a bit of a waste of valuable time with family and friends. It’s definitely changed the way I try to approach things today.
8. Read
I still think reading is an incredible way to instantly gain great perspective. If the people around you don’t provide you the best advice, perhaps a great author can. These are some of my favorite life perspective books. Each challenges you to think about how you are living, the nature of your struggles, and what we choose to do. This list is in no way comprehensive, but they are definitely some of my favorites
Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Marie Rilke
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly: A Memoir of Life and Death by Jean-Dominique Bauby
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller
Life’s Golden Ticket by Brendon Burchard
The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Helping Others
On Monday a student at the high school where the suicide took place, sent me a message and asked how he could help his friends. I told him that major thing is to BE THERE for them. This can take on all different forms. Our friends may need us to talk about what is going on in their lives or distract them with a fun movie or pick up game of basketball. They may need us to just be that quiet presence that is with them, or that brave force that potentially initially betrays their trust to report a dangerous situation to appropriate people who can assist them. There are tools and resources to help with all of this.
Again, if you need help CALL SOMEONE.